If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
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my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.