“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
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“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Received some very disappointing news today
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
181.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.