Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
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Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.