Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
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if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT