him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
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A man of commitment.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.