I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
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if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.