My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
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*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.