Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
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A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
adam and eve had first world problems
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks