*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
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A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
good let them take over I have had enough
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
My favorite female superhero
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
starting a garage orchestra
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.