just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
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{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise