“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
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Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Saint West, the patron of selfies
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Y’all know who you are.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”