Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
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“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
tourist season
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Lmbo