I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
You Might Also Like
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.