me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
You Might Also Like
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi