My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
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If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Happy thanksgiving!
all bases covered
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Liquor Store Parking
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Always…
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question