Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
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If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
*praying for world peace*
God:
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Ferrari squats
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Xylophonist Shredding It
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.