wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
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Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Mornin. * use accordingly
my sentiments exactly
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”