I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
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While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I am also baked goods
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?