Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
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Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
💁🏻♂️
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I have so many questions.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.