My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
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Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
New mindset, who dis?
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.