me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
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Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
*limbos under the caution tape
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Me, flirting😏
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
🤣
Good morning, Twitter x
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender