It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
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Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Thinking about Jeff
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss