Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
You Might Also Like
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
me and who
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
My horoscope said I should kiss you today