Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
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That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.