According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
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Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.