Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
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My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now