Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
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The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence