Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
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Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of