Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
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ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday