me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
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Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Every work call, he judges.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools