Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
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Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails