You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
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About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
There is no “we” in chocolate.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”