I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked