HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
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Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call