If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
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When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
It’s an epidemic…
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Unimpressed
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕