“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
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[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.