Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
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breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
only 11 steps left
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.