Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
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Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Lassie, get help!
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.