Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
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Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch