my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
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Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.