When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
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I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.