[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
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What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.