Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
You Might Also Like
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Good advice.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*