Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
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“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?