“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
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Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Expect the unexporcupine.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
you know what ruined my childhood? children
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook