Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
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Attacked by a mop.
Check out the legs on this baby
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Yup….perfect score!
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener