Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
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MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Duolingo getting serious.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.