mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
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I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I would move hell over six inches for you
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I am also baked goods
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.