Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
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How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys