Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
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My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
i actually laughed 😩
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.